If you’ve ever been asked “How are you?” when you’re really not doing well, you’ll know that this seemingly simple question can feel like a loaded one. We tend to auto-reply with “I’m fine,” or “Good, thanks!” even if we’re dealing with personal struggles. But why is that?
Simone Saunders, RSW, a respected trauma therapist and the brilliant mind behind The Cognitive Corner, sheds light on this phenomenon. Often, we perceive “How are you?” as a social nicety rather than a sincere query about our well-being. The internal debate about whether to share our struggles or keep them under wraps can be daunting, especially when we’re unsure how our honesty will be received.
Echoing Saunders, Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, a distinguished clinical psychologist, adds that societal norms contribute to this dilemma. We’re conditioned from early childhood to equate vulnerability with weakness, which can make the prospect of bearing our emotions daunting.
But, let’s shed light on something else – the power of being open about our struggles. While it might seem intimidating to open up about your feelings, mental health experts affirm that it’s cathartic and offers several advantages. Expressing your troubles can help process and understand your emotions better. Plus, it can prevent the buildup of stress, and anxiety, and even stave off burnout and depression.
Dr. Dalgleish illustrates this with a vivid metaphor, “Imagine a pot of water on a boil; you need to remove the lid to let the steam escape gradually. If you don’t, the pot will eventually boil over. Similarly, suppressing our emotions can lead to emotional overflow and increased struggle.”
Sharing our feelings can also foster emotional intimacy, fortifying our support networks. This shared exchange, or co-regulation, can have a calming effect, contributing to overall mental health. However, Dr. Dalgleish wisely notes that there’s a difference between sharing and venting – the latter may not be as constructive.
When you find yourself facing the “How are you?” question during tough times, Saunders suggests considering two things: your reason for sharing and the person you’re sharing with. Are you seeking support, an empathetic ear, or simply expressing your emotions? Reflecting on this will guide your response and the level of vulnerability you’re comfortable with.
It’s also crucial to share with someone who is empathetic, trustworthy, and provides a safe space for your honesty. Gauge their past reactions to your vulnerability and how their responses made you feel. If they’ve been dismissive or critical of your emotions before, it may be better to refrain from sharing with them.
Choosing the level of vulnerability also depends on the emotional intimacy you share with the person. Sharing with an acquaintance may warrant a more neutral response like, “I’ve had better days,” whereas close friends or family members may receive a more candid response like, “I’m really struggling with X.”
Saunders also provides insights for maintaining authenticity in a professional environment. You can express your struggles lightly with responses such as, “This week has been quite hectic, so I’m eagerly awaiting the weekend.”
If you find it difficult to open up, Dr. Dalgleish urges us to remember that everyone faces struggles. We’re all human, after all. Offering compassion to ourselves and being authentic about our struggles can play a critical role in our healing journey.
From a practical standpoint, Saunders recommends gradual exposure to vulnerability. Start by choosing safe environments or people and explore your comfort level with honesty. Reflect on the experience: Did your vulnerability align with the safety of the relationship? How did it feel to share?
With practice, over time, being vulnerable can become less daunting. By striking a balance between honesty and sensitivity, we can transform the dreaded “How are you?” into an opportunity for genuine connection, understanding, and self-expression.
