The Truth About Sleeping on an Argument

We've all heard the age-old advice: Never go to bed angry. But when your partner says something that hits a nerve or the fight keeps looping without resolution sometimes you just want to retreat under the covers. Still, what really happens when we let anger follow us to bed?

Here’s what the research says about the emotional and physical toll of unresolved conflict at bedtime and some expert-backed ways to handle it better.

Sleep Suffers When You’re Angry

Anger isn’t just an emotional state it triggers a physiological response that can seriously disrupt sleep. In fact, people who have difficulty managing anger are more likely to have poor sleep quality, according to a December 2017 study in the Journal of Research in Personality.

“When your heart rate is elevated above 60 beats per minute it’s almost impossible to fall asleep,” says Michael Breus, PhD, a sleep psychologist and author of Energize!

Poor sleep only sets the stage for more trouble. A lack of quality rest has been linked to increased conflict in couples, per a 2013 study in Social Psychological and Personality Science. When you're sleep-deprived, you’re more likely to:

• Misread your partner’s intentions

• Be reactive instead of thoughtful

• Struggle to express your feelings clearly

Your Brain May Hold Onto the Anger

Going to bed angry can also reinforce and even intensify negative feelings. During sleep, the brain processes and stores memories including emotional ones. A November 2016 study in Nature Communications found that negative memories become more deeply encoded across multiple brain regions when they’re not addressed.

Translation? That argument you didn't resolve might feel even more emotionally loaded the next day, making it harder to move on or let go.

Anger Can Raise Blood Pressure Even in Your Sleep

When you're upset, your body produces stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, which increase your heart rate and blood pressure. According to an April 2020 study in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, going to bed angry can interfere with the body’s natural drop in blood pressure during sleep a process that helps your heart and blood vessels rest and recover overnight.

Fighting It Out Isn’t the Solution Either

While going to bed angry isn’t ideal, dragging out an argument late into the night may also backfire. When your heart rate climbs above 100 beats per minute, your brain shifts into a “fight or flight” mode, making it nearly impossible to communicate calmly or problem-solve effectively, explains Laura Silverstein, LCSW, a certified couples therapist.

Plus, exhaustion lowers your filter. “When you're sleep-deprived, you're more likely to say something you'll regret,” she adds.

What to Do Instead

Rather than force a resolution or go to sleep stewing, consider these strategies to defuse tension and protect your well-being:

• Take a timed break. Pause the conversation and agree to revisit it at a set time the next day after the kids go to school or during a quiet evening walk. This signals mutual respect while giving your bodies time to reset.

• Touch, if possible. Even a small gesture like holding hands or a light hug can release oxytocin and reduce cortisol, promoting a sense of connection and calm. One 2018 study in PNAS found that physical touch can synchronize breathing and heart rates between partners.

• Breathe mindfully. Try the 4-7-8 technique: Inhale for four counts, hold for seven, exhale for eight. Repeating your own name with a calming mantra (like “Sarah, it’s okay”) can also help bring awareness and ease.

• Do something kind for yourself. Watch a lighthearted show, take a warm bath, or do gentle yoga with calming music. A 2020 review in BMC Psychiatry showed that yoga can be especially effective in improving women’s sleep quality.

• Practice mindfulness. Even five minutes of meditation can help reduce racing thoughts and improve emotional regulation. A 2019 review in Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences found that mindfulness techniques significantly improved sleep outcomes.

So, How Bad Is It Really to Go to Bed Angry?

It’s not great especially if it happens often. Chronic unresolved anger can affect your sleep, stress levels, and long-term relationship satisfaction. But sometimes, especially when you’re exhausted, it’s healthier to pause and return to the issue when you’re both rested.

“It’s normal to have disagreements at night,” Silverstein says. “The key is to approach them with empathy and a plan not just let them fester.”

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