The Downsides of Hyper-Independence

In a culture that celebrates independence, self-sufficiency is often seen as the ultimate virtue. Terms like “self-made” and “single-handedly” suggest a sense of success achieved without help. But when independence becomes hyper-independence an inability to accept help, even to one’s detriment it can negatively impact mental health, relationships, and well-being. Here, experts weigh in on what hyper-independence looks like, how it can develop, and ways to find balance.

What Is Hyper-Independence?

Hyper-independence goes beyond healthy self-sufficiency. According to cognitive-behavioral psychologist Dr. Terri Bacow, “hyper-independence is an over-investment in autonomy and self-reliance.” While healthy independence involves balancing self-sufficiency with knowing when to seek help, hyper-independence tends to make people feel uncomfortable or fearful about relying on others.

Trauma therapist Simone Saunders, M.S.W., adds that hyper-independence often manifests as a refusal to accept help, even when it’s clearly needed. For instance, someone going through a family or work crisis may still avoid leaning on a partner or friend for support. Hyper-independence might also lead a parent to take on all household and family responsibilities without asking for help, even from a partner.

Is Hyper-Independence a Trauma Response?

Hyper-independence isn’t a personality trait; rather, it often stems from past experiences or trauma. “Hyper-independence is a survival trait developed through childhood, intergenerational, or adult adverse experiences,” says Saunders. In many cases, childhood experiences like emotional neglect or “parentification” when a child assumes developmentally inappropriate responsibilities may cause someone to develop an intense reliance on themselves.

Additionally, cultural influences can play a role. “In an environment that values independence, the message can be passed down,” says Dr. Bacow. The need for control and a tendency toward perfectionism can also fuel hyper-independence, as it offers the comfort of controlling all outcomes without having to rely on anyone else.

The Negative Effects of Hyper-Independence

Being excessively independent can affect multiple areas of life, from relationships to mental health. Here’s how hyper-independence can create challenges:

• Work and Career: In the workplace, hyper-independent individuals may avoid delegating tasks or seeking help, leading to burnout, mistakes, or taking on more than they can handle.

• Relationships: By rejecting offers of support, hyper-independent people may unintentionally weaken bonds with friends and family. “If you double down on independence, you don’t engage in supportive relationships,” says Bacow.

• Mental Health: Hyper-independence can be isolating and lead to emotional exhaustion. “There’s often a lot of loneliness and burnout,” Saunders explains. This can contribute to a negative feedback loop, where mental health conditions like anxiety and depression reinforce hyper-independent tendencies.

How Hyper-Independence Affects Mental Health

Hyper-independence can both contribute to and result from mental health issues. For example, someone with high-functioning anxiety may become hyper-independent, driven by fear of failure or the need to be hyper-productive. But the resulting burnout can, in turn, make them more vulnerable to anxiety and depression. “Hyper-independence developed as a survival strategy, but it persists even after the danger is gone,” says Saunders.

What To Do If You Believe You’re Hyper-Independent

If hyper-independence is affecting your life, consider taking small steps toward relying on others. Bacow and Saunders both recommend gradually allowing yourself to ask for and accept help. Here are some ways to start:

• Take Small Steps: Treat hyper-independence like a fear you’re working to overcome. Start by asking someone close to you for small favors. For example, let a family member watch your child for an hour while you take a break, or ask your partner to handle a weekly grocery run.

• Practice Vulnerability: Saunders advises “getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.” Recognize that unlearning hyper-independence can feel challenging, but starting with close, trusted relationships can help you feel more at ease.

• Acknowledge the Discomfort: The process of relying on others may initially feel unnatural. But with time and practice, you can grow more comfortable with vulnerability and the support that comes from trusted relationships.

Hyper-independence may feel like a protective shield, but allowing others in can create deeper relationships, reduce stress, and lead to a more balanced life.

If this article resonated with you, consider sharing it or subscribe to our newsletter for more insights on mental health.