The Biggest Myth About Motherhood, According to a Reproductive Psychologist

Motherhood may be one of the most personal and transformative experiences of a woman’s life but that doesn’t stop the world from piling on expectations. From pregnancy to parenting, society is brimming with ideas about what becoming a mom should look and feel like. And for those navigating new motherhood (or considering it), the pressure to get it all “right” can feel overwhelming.

According to reproductive psychologists and therapists, there’s one myth that causes more distress than most: the belief that maternal instinct will automatically kick in. Spoiler: it doesn’t always and that’s completely okay.

The Myth of Instant Maternal Instinct

“One of the most harmful misconceptions about motherhood is that women will feel an immediate connection or innate ability to parent,” says Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist. But the truth is, for many women, motherhood is learned not instantly felt.

Hannah Holmes, PhD, a licensed reproductive psychologist, agrees: “I wish more people understood how common it is to feel out of sorts, confused, or disconnected in early motherhood. It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.”

The idea of “just knowing” what to do not only sets unrealistic expectations, but it can also pile guilt onto new moms who are navigating a major life transition with little sleep, new responsibilities, and hormonal upheaval.

More Common Myths New Moms Are Tired of Hearing

1. “You should love every minute.”

From pregnancy to postpartum, there’s pressure to feel grateful and blissed out at all times. But motherhood is messy, emotional, and often just plain hard. “Some chapters are about survival, not joy and that’s okay,” says Dr. Holmes.

2. “A good mother always puts herself last.”

While selflessness is often celebrated, experts warn against complete self-sacrifice. “Putting your own needs last isn’t sustainable and doesn’t actually serve your children in the long run,” says Lurie. Making time for your physical and mental well-being benefits everyone in your family.

3. “You’ll bond with your baby immediately.”

Hollywood may depict an instant, tearful connection, but real-life bonding doesn’t always happen right away. And that’s normal. Your relationship with your baby can develop gradually, and that timeline is unique to you.

4. “Motherhood is the only path to fulfillment.”

There’s still a cultural undercurrent suggesting that not having kids means missing out. But as Lurie points out, “There are many ways to lead a purposeful, fulfilling life and parenthood is just one of them.”

Protecting Your Mental Health as a New Mom

Matrescence the physical, emotional, and psychological process of becoming a mother is a massive identity shift. And that shift requires care, patience, and support. Here’s how to nurture yourself during the transition:

• Feel your feelings: It’s okay to experience everything from joy to frustration. Emotions aren’t failures they’re valid and often necessary.

• Ask for specific help: Whether you need a hot meal or a quiet hour to nap, naming your needs can make it easier for others to support you.

• Accept support: When someone offers help, say yes. It’s not a weakness it’s part of building a sustainable support system.

• Find community: Parenthood can feel isolating, but connecting with others whether online or locally can be a lifeline.

• Speak up: Talk about your experience, especially if you’re struggling. Trusted loved ones or a mental health professional can offer perspective and help.

When to Seek Professional Support

It’s normal to feel emotional or overwhelmed in the early weeks, but if sadness, anxiety, or fatigue are sticking around or getting worse it may be time to talk to a therapist. According to Dr. Holmes, persistent low mood, guilt, or anxiety that interferes with daily life shouldn’t be ignored.

And if you’re ever feeling hopeless or having thoughts of self-harm, contact a crisis support line immediately by calling or texting 988.

Getting help doesn’t mean you’re failing it means you’re prioritizing your health, which is one of the most powerful things you can do for yourself and your family.

The Real Truth About Motherhood

Motherhood isn’t one-size-fits-all. It’s not a perfectly curated highlight reel or an instinct that clicks on like a switch. It’s a deeply human experience that’s messy, beautiful, exhausting, and evolving.

Whether you’re bonding slowly, mourning your independence, or wondering if you're “doing it right,” know this: you’re not alone, and you’re not doing it wrong. You’re just doing it your way and that’s more than enough.

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