How to Stop Ruminating After a Breakup

Breakups are hard sometimes devastating and they can leave your brain trapped in an endless loop of “what ifs,” replays of the final fight, or aching questions about whether your ex ever truly cared. This obsessive, repetitive thinking is called rumination, and while it’s a common response to emotional pain, it can stand in the way of healing and disrupt your daily life.

“Rumination can be like pressing rewind on a painful scene over and over again,” says Gary McClain, PhD, psychotherapist and author of The Power of Closure. “But healing comes when we let ourselves feel, express, and then gently redirect.”

According to a 2022 study in The British Journal of Clinical Psychology, rumination is closely tied to symptoms of anxiety and depression. But here’s the good news You can learn how to stop ruminating after a breakup. With the help of relationship experts, we’ve gathered five simple, effective ways to break the cycle of overthinking and get back to your life.

1. Let yourself grieve without judgment

While you might be tempted to push through or “stay strong,” grief is necessary. “When we experience loss, we grieve,” Dr. McClain says. “That’s the healthy way to get to the other side of it.” Feelings like sadness, anger, and confusion are part of the process. Talking about them (yes, even to your dog or journal) helps you slowly integrate the loss into your life and opens space for what’s next.

2. Set time limits on talking about your ex

Rehashing every detail with friends can quickly become emotional quicksand. Rachel Goldberg, LMFT, suggests creating boundaries around how often and how long you discuss your ex. Try giving yourself 20 minutes max per conversation. Then, shift to a new topic. This rule-of-thumb creates mental space for other things, while still validating your experience.

3. Create social media boundaries

The urge to “just check” what your ex is doing can be irresistible but it rarely helps. Dr. McClain recommends muting, unfollowing, or even blocking if needed. “What you see online is rarely the full story,” he says. “Protect your peace. Constant exposure makes it harder to let go.” Use that energy to focus on yourself instead.

4. Soothe your nervous system through the senses

Sensory grounding helps you come back to the present moment where healing happens. Therapist Nina Batista, LCSW, recommends focusing on one sense at a time:

• Sight: Watch a movie or go people-watching.

• Hearing: Play music that lifts your mood and notice the beat.

• Smell: Light a favorite candle or use essential oils.

• Taste: Sip calming tea or enjoy a favorite snack mindfully.

• Touch: Pet your dog, hug a pillow, or wrap up in a soft blanket.

“When you’re focused on sensation,” Batista says, “it helps break the cycle of obsessive thinking and reconnects you to your body.”

5. Reclaim your life, one small joy at a time

Even if your heart feels heavy, engaging with things that bring you meaning like movement, hobbies, and social connection can be a turning point. “Take action, even before you feel ready,” says Dr. McClain. “The feelings will eventually catch up. Go for a walk. Call a friend. Make plans, even if it’s just to watch your favorite show.”

Why we fixate on our ex

Understanding the why behind rumination can be a powerful tool. Here are a few common reasons we keep looping:

• Anxious attachment: This style often leads to obsessive thinking and difficulty letting go.

• They were a central part of your life: Shared routines and spaces become constant reminders.

• Unresolved emotions: Feelings of anger, sadness, or guilt keep the breakup emotionally active.

• Mental health triggers: Rumination may also be linked to depression, anxiety, or OCD, and can worsen symptoms.

Knowing these factors doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. It simply helps you take compassionate steps forward.

The four types of rumination

According to a 2017 study, not all rumination is the same. Here’s what it can look like:

• Depressive rumination: Focused on sadness and rejection

• Anxious rumination: Future-oriented worry, like “I’ll never find love again”

• Angry rumination: Replay of wrongdoings and resentment

• Reflective rumination: Over-analysis of the relationship and your role in it

While reflection can be helpful, it becomes unproductive when it turns into mental spinning.

When to seek professional help

“If your emotional pain is interfering with work, sleep, relationships, or your ability to function,” Dr. McClain says, “it’s time to reach out.” Therapy offers tools to help you process the breakup, regulate emotions, and reduce intrusive thoughts.

Signs you might benefit from professional support:

• You can’t stop thinking about your ex

• You feel emotionally overwhelmed most days

• You’re withdrawing socially or struggling with daily tasks

• You’ve experienced changes in appetite, sleep, or self-esteem

You don’t have to do it alone. Healing is possible and reaching out is a sign of strength.

The bottom line

Rumination after a breakup is normal but it doesn’t have to define your healing. By setting boundaries, soothing your nervous system, and gently guiding your focus elsewhere, you can shift from replaying the past to embracing your future. The pain won’t vanish overnight, but step by step, you’ll move forward and eventually, you’ll feel free again.

For more insights on emotional wellness, subscribe to our newsletter.