The Psychology Behind Gatekeeping Why We Keep Favorites to Ourselves

Have you ever hesitated to share the name of your favorite restaurant, perfume, or boutique for fear that it might become too popular? That instinct known as gatekeeping is more common than you might think.

Gatekeeping happens when people intentionally withhold information about something they love, whether it's a trendy fashion item, a hidden travel gem, or an underground music artist. While it may seem harmless (or even protective), the tendency to gatekeep reveals deeper psychological and social dynamics.

Why Do People Gatekeep?

Gatekeeping often comes from a scarcity mindset, a belief that resources whether physical, social, or emotional are limited. Even when there’s plenty to go around, people fear that sharing will diminish their access or make something feel less special.

Therapist Cheralyn Leeby, PhD, LMFT, explains that gatekeeping can serve as a form of social currency. “Like hoarding, gatekeeping has conscious and unconscious psychological roots. The gatekeeper may fear that if they share, there will not be enough for themselves in the future.”

1. Fear of Losing Uniqueness

Sometimes, a favorite product or place feels like an extension of identity. If everyone starts wearing that obscure indie perfume, does it lose part of its charm? Gatekeeping allows people to maintain a sense of individuality by keeping something exclusive.

2. Desire for Control

When we discover something great, we might feel like we “own” it in a small way. Keeping it private maintains a sense of control over who has access to it.

3. Past Experiences of Loss

Some people may have had experiences where something they loved changed when it became mainstream maybe a peaceful hiking trail became crowded or a favorite hole-in-the-wall café raised its prices. Gatekeeping can be a subconscious effort to prevent this from happening again.

How to Overcome the Urge to Gatekeep

If you catch yourself gatekeeping, it doesn’t mean you’re selfish it just might be an opportunity for self-reflection.

1. Ask Yourself: What Am I Afraid Of?

If you hesitate to share something, pause and consider why. Are you worried about losing access? About something losing its charm? Acknowledging the fear is the first step in overcoming it.

2. Shift to an Abundance Mindset

Remind yourself that sharing doesn’t take away from your experience it often enhances it. More people enjoying a good thing doesn’t mean you’ll enjoy it any less.

3. Recognize the Power of Community

Part of the joy of discovering something great is introducing others to it. Instead of seeing sharing as a loss, think of it as a way to connect with others.

4. Reflect on Past Experiences

If gatekeeping stems from a past disappointment, ask yourself: Did sharing really ruin my experience, or was change inevitable? Many things evolve over time, and sharing something special doesn’t necessarily mean it will be “ruined.”

Why Gatekeeping Thrives on Social Media

Gatekeeping isn’t just a personal habit it’s become a trend on social media.

1. Influencers and Financial Incentives

Platforms like TikTok Shop and Amazon Associates allow creators to earn commissions when they share certain products. If an influencer can’t profit from a specific brand or item, they may avoid mentioning it altogether.

2. Fear of Virality

Some users hesitate to post about hidden gems because they fear too much exposure will change the experience. A viral video can bring overwhelming crowds to a once-quiet café or boutique.

3. Online Anonymity and Exclusivity

People may be reluctant to share their favorites online because it feels impersonal. Unlike in-person recommendations, where you share with trusted friends, social media posts reach a broad audience including strangers.

The Bottom Line

Gatekeeping is a natural instinct, but it often comes from a place of fear, not reality. While it’s understandable to want to preserve what we love, true joy often comes from sharing experiences, not keeping them hidden.

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